Tamara Lynch

I came home from a movie the other night to find some random older guy standing in front of my door. I halted at the top of the stairs, which is about 20 feet away, and watched him trying to get his keys into my locks.

“Excuse me, can I help you?”
“I’m trying to get into my Apartment”
“Umm…that’s my apartment” I said; still keeping my distance.
“NO.” he said. “I live on the _ floor.”
“OK…this is the * floor. That’s my door”
” NO.” he started shouting. “I’m on the _ floor and this is my Apt.”

During this thrilling exchange I noticed he was swaying on his feet-he kept leaning on the adjacent wall for support, his eyes kept closing, and his words were slurred…he was hammered…which meant there would be no reasoning with this guy. I started to get nasty.

“Asshole, get the fuck away from my door!”

“This is MY Apartment! If I could just get the keys in the lock”
“Your keys don’t work, moron, that’s my door!”
“You’re just a crazy female!”
“Fuck you, I’m calling the police”

I had hoped that would make him go away, it didn’t. I didn’t want to call the Police, I wanted to go to bed! We screamed at each other for a good 10 minutes (and of course none of my fucking neighbors came out to help), but he was in such a drunken haze nothing was really getting through. I had to let him know I meant business. I called 911, which I felt bad about because someone could have been getting murdered while I tied up the line with my “drunkard at my door” story, but whatever…first come first serve. Needless to say 911 was unimpressed, the operator couldn’t have been more bored, but he said he would send someone. I wasn’t convinced, and I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I sized him up as he was hunched over, swaying from side to side, still trying to navigate putting his key in the lock. He was 5’8″, had about 10 years on me, and so smashed he could barely stand up straight…I figured I could take him. Bag in hand, keys out, and mad as hell I charged into him, knocked him into the wall and shoved him into the corner opposite my door. I immediately blocked my door with my body, jammed my keys into the locks, and scooted inside. I could hear him stumbling around behind me and as I was closing my door, I heard him stomp toward the stairs and say “Oh…this ISN’T my floor”. Wait till I see that motherfucker again!