Tamara Lynch

So it’s Thanksgiving and I drove to PA to be with family, which in my opinion is way too much money and time to sit around and watch Regis and Kelly, but these people are my blood. And as much as I hate to admit it, I love them. I am still angry at them for past crap, but I love them. Usually I have to endure my Aunt Dara picking away at my single status, but she was relatively good this time. I didn’t get that irritated when we walked out of Footlocker and she insisted that the sales associate “saw something he liked.” (I love this phrase; it makes me feel like a buffet). Just because the guy started telling us that he cooks and he has 12 siblings and he was going to watch the football game, Dara thought he was into me. I think he was just bored since there was no one in the store, plus, my Aunt Dara has a knack for small talk and pulling the weirdest things out of people. They actually started talking about turkey roasters…who cares…can’t a girl get some help with sneakers??

The piece de resistance was my Uncle Bob. If Charlie Brown and Oscar the grouch had a baby, it would be my Uncle Bob. Over ham and cheese sandwiches, Uncle Bob announced that he wasn’t interested in watching Ellen anymore. “She’s too gay now,” he told Dara and me. I pointed out that she was always gay, to which he replied “I know, but she didn’t throw it in our faces all the time. Now that she’s married all she talks about is Porche.” Of course I can’t let this go, and I know that Uncle Bob loves American Idol. So I point out that Ryan Seacrest is gay. “No he isn’t,” Bob snapped at me and dropped his ham sandwich. I tell him Ryan is absolutely gay. “Well,” he says heartbroken, “If that’s true then I’m done with him too.” Poor Bob. I think I ruined Christmas for him, which he doesn’t deserve, because even though he is a total phobe, he snubbed his beloved republican party to vote for Obama. I was so proud of him.

But, I know that he will still watch Ellen, and that American Idol will still be his favorite show. Because for Bob, the only thing better than watching the shows, is complaining about them. Family, you gotta love em.