Tamara Lynch

I’m still on the fence about seeing Fifty Shades of Grey the movie this Valentine’s Day. Honestly, the only draw for me is Jamie Dornan. I’ve just finished watching both seasons of The Fall and am now in full blown Jamie withdraw. But even his hotness can’t squelch my hesitation to sit through this story again. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the sexier scenes, but there are several things throughout the trilogy that could have used a stronger edit.

Here are five that I hope the movie version can eradicate.

1. Anastasia’s annoying inner dialog: All of those “Oh Christian’s” and that strange elvish inner vixen that stomps her foot and bats her eyelashes-WTF?? They have got to go!

2. Anastasia’s ignorance of the 21st century:  These days an American twenty-two year old virgin college senior is rare, but possible.  But an American twenty-two year old virgin college senior with no cell phone, laptop, or internet knowledge is a fucking joke. That, my friend, is what we call an unbelievable character. If you know someone that fits this description, then Unicorns are real.

3. The fake BDSM:  Being tied up, blindfolded, paddled, and fucked hard as punishment is not BDSM. For some it’s just a Saturday night.

4. All peripheral women are depicted as thirsty whores:  From the waitresses to the architect, every woman that Christian comes in contact with becomes a walking vagina weeping for his dick, so much so that they can’t help but to squirm and smile into his eyes, in front of Ana.  Really? Must all women be simpering idiots in this story?

5. Anastasia’s dull personality: Sadly, Anastasia isn’t interesting. At all. She’s like an Amish farm girl who’s been pushed into her rumspringa.  She’s even less interesting than her inspiration Bella, who was bland, I believe, on purpose to contrast her more vibrant vampire self. Too bad Ana has no such transformation.  It’s on Dakota Johnson to bring Ana to life. Keep your fingers crossed.

In most cases the book is better than the movie, this time I hope it’s the other way around. Tell me, are you going to go see Fifty Shades?