Word Up Wednesdays: Gimmie My Money!

OMG it’s almost here…TAX SEASON!  Literally in like a week I should be getting my W-2.  My hands itch just thinking about it.  I’m coming for my money IRS! 

I’m like the “True Grit” of taxable Americans, itemizing every tiny little deduction I can and prying it from the Gov’s grubby hands.  That’s right, I LOVE tax time.  I treat my taxes like a game or puzzle, trying my best to get more back than I did last year.  I already have an idea in my head of how much I think I will get back.  I’m single, I take school classes, I have work related expenses…ohhhhh I can feel that check coming.  And because I use Turbo Tax and file electronically, I get my refund back in like a month.  No Joke.

There may be a snag this year though.  I was laid off for a few months and had to collect unemployment.  This may eat into my refund a bit, but since I didn’t make as much money this year and my expenses stayed the same, there is a possibility I may be ok.  Fingers crossed!

So let’s say I did get my fat refund.  What should I do with the money?  I could pay off my debt (crowd yells boooooo) or I could go to Miami (crowd cheers!).  I’ll let my creative visualization practice help me out. 

 I am visualizing myself at the beach, in a bikini, with a pina colada in hand…..   

Intuition Thursday: The Game of Life

This weekend I was channel surfing and ended up watching about 10 mins of Kendra On E!  Now, I don’t usually watch this show.  I started catching the show sporadically when I found out the couple moved to Philly, and as a PA native, I felt a weird sense of PA pride.  As horrible as the show is (seriously she’s in sweat pants with her hair in a pony tail most of the time complaining that she isn’t sexy anymore.  And it’s true. She’s not.), I like to see what the backdrop of my hood looks like on reality TV.  However, the part I caught this weekend made me think the universe was freakin’ talking to me.  Here, a concierge in Kendra’s apartment building was schooling Kendra’s gay assistant about creative visualization. 

Now I had just convinced myself this week that I needed to have a more positive mindset so 2011 can be all I want it to be.  With that said I started re-reading Florence Shinn’s The Game of Life and How to Play it which was published in 1925, way before The Secret, and breaks down what she considers to be spiritual laws-two notable are the laws of attraction and creative visualization.  It’s a teeny tiny book, but sort of powerful and even more intriguing since it was written 86 years ago.  I recommend.

So to give a rough play by play of what happened on Kendra, her gay assistant was nervous about outing himself to his parents and the concierge tells him to use creative visualization and focus on the outcome that he wants from the discussion.  Then he goes on to say that he, the concierge, has been practicing creative visualization for a while and has been focusing on bringing a specific partner into his life.  Someone who is, I quote “sorta famous.” He says this with a straight face, in his cute little concierge outfit.  When asked who his dream guy is (the concierge is gay too) he immediately picks up the phone and calls his “oracle” aka his mother.  This is a mock version of what you hear:

“Mom, If I tell someone who my creative visualization is about, will it not come true?”

*listens to the Oracle over the phone*

“You know…the rapper.”

died when I heard this, because we all know he is not going to get that rapper.  Then I started thinking of the rapper that I have been dreaming (more like obsessing) about and was like “oh, I’m not going to get my rapper either.”  Why not you ask?  Because as the law of attraction states, you need to set things in motion to do so.  You gotta work for it!  Just sitting around and wishing isn’t going to do it.  My dream of running into my boo at a party isn’t going to happen, because A. I’ve never met him, and B. I’m not famous.

So here is my realization about the game of life. Ready…because it’s never been said before…it’s so unique it will blow your mind…I’m not sure you will even be able to understand it…here it goes… 

You get back what you put in. 

OMG, I know you don’t even know what to do with yourself right now that your mind is so blown! 

All kidding aside, I need this reminder every once in a while.  I haven’t met my rapper, or put any effort into meeting my rapper, so what makes me think he is going to fall out of the sky and drop into my bed?  Wishful thinking.  Not to be confused with Creative Visualization.   

So I think the universe WAS talking to me, but really hinting that I need to get out there and MAKE STEPS toward my goals: lose weight, keep writing, get famous (I slay myself).  Reap what I sow, basically.  Not sit around and wish on a star.  Ok 2011, it’s on like Donkey Kong, sowing and reaping starts now!

Heat? Rush? Heat Rush?

Apparently Beyonce has a new fragrance out, which I couldn’t tell from the full-page ad in the magazine if it was called Heat or Rush, but after some googling I found out it’s called Heat Rush (*rolling my eyes).  It was the poorly done ad and the crazy name that struck me.  I guess this fragrance is going to make you feel like you are about to spontaneously combust, which I assume is why her face looks like she is about to puke.  Wow. You’re really selling it B.   

Word Up Wednesday

Gotta luv hump day afternoon. Below is a typical email conversation between me and my old high school friend (yes, we fucked in high school) during work hours. Enjoy!

From Jeremy
Sent: Wednesday, December 29, 2010 2:14 PM
To: Tamara
Subject Re:
 

Yo. How was your Christmas? What did you do? Who did you do?

Me: I did nothing, I screwed no one.

Jer: Why didn’t you do anyone?

Me: Because I am sick of men and the three minutes is takes them to cum. I break more of a sweat taking my clothes off.

Jer: Well, I just gave away four O’s in one session, starting with just a finger banging session…So I’m doin alright…Quit finding babies then…or mama’s boys.

Me: Yeah, right. These girls you find are so hard up that they cum the minute you look at them. They aren’t babies or mama’s boys, they just can’t keep up with me. I flip the script, I take control, and they cream their f’ing pants. Yawn.

Jer: Whatever…because you are so into poon, it takes you forever to get off (Jer always calls me a lesbian, mostly because I have no desire to fuck him ever again)…it’s not their fault that you are immune to getting off…You are into fetish crap…And yes, they are mama’s boys. Hey, however you want to look at it…my devastating looks make them wet on the spot, so yes, they do come fast.

Me: Of course you would say that. But it doesn’t take me long, just a few minutes longer than it seems to take most loser guys. Fetishes aren’t crap. And rough sex isn’t a fetish. Your devastating looks? It couldn’t be that they are all single moms that crave any sort of naked contact that doesn’t include breast feeding a baby? Of course not.

Jer: All of them that I meet are already getting banged or have been banged a lot recently. But then they meet me…and they fall in love…because they say they never knew it could be like that! And they had given up hope (just like you are doing), and then BAM, they get it like they’ve never had it before. Don’t be jealous b/c I’m succeeded at being a good lover compared to my High School days. Consider me a success story…punk.

Me: Well now you make them all sound like white trash hos. It’s good to know you don’t have to work very hard to get them out of their panties. I’m not jealous. I’ve had some good d*ck. I consider you a success every time you get someone to take their clothes off for you, regardless of how drunk they are.

Jer: LOL!!!! Oh that’s okay. I know you’ll never give me credit. But I’m the guy all the girls write into Maxim about when it comes to their amazing experiences and craziest things they’ve done…word.

10 things I’ll remember about 2010

10. Christine O’Donnell is not a witch.  She is a non-masturbating cockhound who lives in sin with a christian rocker, but she is not a witch.

9.  The recession is still here despite the government’s claims that it’s not.  Aholes.

8.  Jessie James traded People’s “woman of the year” for a few f*cks in his office with a skanky white-supremacist ho.  I love Sandra Bullock and she is better off.  But I must note, that if a movie star can’t keep a man, I don’t know how I am supposed to…

7.  The Palin’s are fame whores.  Between “Dancing with the Stars” and that Alaska show, it’s no wonder they are good friends with the Gossling’s.  I am waiting for them to invite octomom on a camping trip.

6.  Elmo will have you kicked off of Sesame Street if you have breasts.  Kids are not allowed to know that woman have them, even if that woman is their idol Katy Perry.  Who has a pretty nice rack by the way.

5.  Women justices on the supreme court! Yay!  Everyone concerned that Kagan is gay.  Booooo!  I saw the softball picture.  BFD.  I played softball…she had a good batting stance in that pic.  That was my take away.

4.  The oil spill, the douche CEO who didn’t know anything about it, and the entire summer it took to clean up.  Please slap egg on face.

3.  Everyone wants a black baby from Africa.  Everyone.  Even Kim Kardashian is thinking about it.  I think someone told her they are accessories you wear around your neck. Dear Africa, please stop giving these precious bundles to just anyone.

2.  We are still at war….and I don’t even remember why.  Now Bidden is saying “By Hell or High Water” we will be out of the middle east by 2014.  Dear VP, I love that John Wayne attitude, but you are  full of shit.

1.  Prop 8 was finally overturned, Don’t Ask Don’t  Tell was deemed unconstitutional, and Johnny Weir wears heels better than I do.  I’m hoping these steps means America is getting over its weird fear of gays.  Get over it!

I am ready for 2011.  Bring it!